Bronx Cobra Tells All
Look, don't believe all this nonsense about me on Twitter. Really, have you ever heard of a snake who could tweet? It's absurd. I yam what I yam, like Popeye, and you won't see me writing cutesy nonsense on some iPhone gadget.
The truth is the Mayor came by, and who would've thought he was a Parselmouth? But there it was, and once he explained his problems, I could see he'd been misled. I mean, here's this guy trying to fire teachers who make too much money so he could have the newbies take their place, and he's saying it's a budget thing, that if he gets so much he has to fire so many, yadda yadda yadda, and other such unbelievable nonsense.
I told him this was not the way to go. He complained that his Department of Education was being run by some clueless lush, and that he didn't know what to do. I told him I'd take care of things for him if he could supply me with rodents, and he said Tweed was full of nothing but. I told him I'd be happy to eat, or at least bite anyone he couldn't fire, and we set off arm in no arm. I knew I was what he'd been looking for. He said he used to have someone just like me but he'd set off to make more money.
He mentioned how everyone complained how his programs didn't work and I told him it was not about whether they worked or not. It's about getting what you want. So now we have an agreement. I will visit every school in the city, get rid of every teacher making over 50K, and spare all others until they, too, reach 50K. This will not only allow millions to be freed up for preposterously expensive no-bid computer programs, but will also eliminate the need for future costly pension programs.
I'm really looking forward to my new gig, but Rupert Murdoch came by this morning and offered me something political, which really appeals to me. But the mayor says if I stick with him through his fourth term he'll make it worthwhile.
Evening Relaxation: Missing Cobra Found on Twitter
by Jennifer Valentino-DeVries
At about 2:30 Tuesday afternoon, the cobra missing from the Bronx Zoo was on top of the Empire State Building — at least according to the cobra’s Twitter feed.
The tongue-in-cheek account, which is run by an as-yet-unnamed Twitter user, follows the cobra around the city, through exploits such as a trip to the snake exhibit at the Museum of Natural History (“This is gonna be hilarious!”) and Wall Street (“These guys make my skin crawl.”)
The venomous Egyptian cobra escaped its enclosure Friday and was still at large on Wednesday. The Twitter account BronxZoosCobra sprang up on Monday with the message “I want to thank those animals from the movie ‘Madagascar.’ They were a real inspiration.”
As of Tuesday afternoon, the cobra had more than 60,000 followers on Twitter.
Twitter is full of accounts like BronxZoosCobra’s — run by people who take on a persona for comic effect. Your Digits blogger’s favorites include the Ferris Bueller feed, which retold the popular film through Twitter, and the BPGlobalPR account, which used humor to draw attention to the oil company’s efforts after the Gulf oil spill.
BronxZoosCobra has a definite New York flair — as the cobra pointed out Monday, Big Apples and snakes “have gone together since the beginning.” It carried on conversations with the social-media folks at luxury icon Bergdorf Goodman and sampled cupcakes at the famed Magnolia Bakery. Its adventures were covered Tuesday by the New York Times City Room blog, and it exchanged tweets with Peter Alexander of NBC News.
In an email to Digits, the cobra didn’t provide a name, explaining that no one ever bothered to provide one. “But they always name the cute baby pandas, don’t they? Simple reptile intolerance,” it said.
It also said it has no plans to leave the city just yet but is “an adventurous snake.”
“If Snooki can write a novel so can I,” it wrote.